Trust falls.

It was mentioned to me recently that I have strange definitions of the word trust. Or, more precisely, the people who I choose to trust are not necessarily the most obvious choices to the world. This got me thinking about who I trust, why I trust them, and what are the qualities I find most important in someone I allow myself to get close to. The answer, I have found after much digging, comes in three parts - which actually makes a lot of sense if you know me and my history. The three qualities are as follows: emotional stability, honesty and respect. I need you to have your shit together. Not 100% of the time, because that would just be unreasonable. And you don't need to be completely void of demons, because we all do and that just means that you've lived some. You just need to be able to handle what life throws at you without sweeping everyone around you into the shit storm. Emotionally stable and capable and strong. It's a good thing.

The other big thing is honesty. I value knowledge and truth, and appreciate where I stand with people in their lives. I'm a pretty shy person overall, and so I want to know what level we're playing on. I find that this way I am much more capable of interacting with people at a much more sophisticated level, instead of pussy-footing around on eggshells trying like crazy to figure someone out as is sometimes wont to happen.

Respect is a weird one, because I expect in a very specific way. You don't have to be generally nice for my gender - you can still be a womanizer and gain my trust. You also don't have to put me on some kind of pedestal - because damn, that's creepy. I just want to feel like if I say something, you will take it seriously. If I say I don't want to do something, it's not forced upon me. If I take offense to something in the conversation, we can move on and change topics. If I give an opinion, we can have a discussion about the difference, but I'm not automatically wrong just because I express what's on my mind. Really, just more about common courtesy and capable social interactions.

I've also realized that it takes a while for someone to lose my trust once it is given. I'm not the kind of gal who takes forever to give it to someone and then will take it away with the slightest offense. Quite the opposite. What this means, however, is that once my trust in someone is lost, it is quite difficult to get it back, generally because I have given many chances that were taken advantage of, so that once it is gone, I am so emotionally spent from dealing with the person involved that I want very little to do with them at all.

I'm not quite sure why I decided to write all this out. I just got to thinking and when I finally came to some conclusions, thought I should share them. Trust is a funny thing, and in my case, given only to a rare few, and even fewer in full. I find it an interesting philosophical concept. The online dictionary defines it as the "firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing; something committed into the care of another." It speaks to me, as I find this definition to ring true, but also to different levels of degree. There are some to who I have a firm reliance on their integrity, ability or character. There are many fewer to whom I would commit myself into the care of. Maybe I should work harder on that. Maybe I should fall. Maybe, though, I'm doing just fine.