Thus ends the string of weekends in CT - for now. Three in a row, and I'll be back in another three. Three isn't so bad, is it? I cannot express how lucky I am to know the people I do. People who are supportive in every way imaginable, and truly care for me for no other reason than I am who I am. It does, however, make it very difficult to leave, and you sometimes end up saying goodbye about two or three times.
Bottom line, though, this weekend was wonderful. It was full of rain, which was not, but it was also full of good people and hugs and laughs and Star Wars Epic Duels, and every day had a story. Like the live music playing at dinner, starting off with Stairway to Heaven, ending with The Lion King, with a Fiddler on the Roof medley in between. (So happy I'm not kidding.) And like the awkward condom purchase. (Is there a way to purchase without the awkward?) The talk of a possible hookup turned me to thinking that since I am single lady who greatly enjoys physical contact in all manners of speaking, I would be remiss in leaving all contraceptive responsibility on another person. Whether this hook up happens or not, I think, it seems like the smart and safe idea. So now I have condoms, and lube made with aloe that foams like soap when it comes out, and no real idea when they might get used. And I'm pretty OK with that. I've done the rampant hookup thing before, and I am SO over that. I have found over time that I have become shamelessly monogomous, even in my hookups. If there is someone who I am doing anything with, I will only do anything with that person. If there later becomes a "someone else," I switch completely over. I would never expect the same thing in reciprication, it's my quirk and I don't feel it's one that's necessary to share, it's just a trait that I have developed that lets me be comfortable doing what I want to do. I stick to one person really for my own emotional wellbeing. I don't make emotional ties very easily, for lots of reasons that don't need to be explained right now, and so I think that this helps to keep me grounded and double-check to make sure that I don't hurt anyone else in the process.
I'm not sure why I feel the need to explain this. There's a lot going on in my head right now and so I find myself over-thinking and over-analyzing. It doesn't help that X has decided all of a sudden he wants to be my best friend and hang out with me, and called me sweetie last night, and talked about how he told his mom we were "on a break," but didn't tell his grandmother because that's just a can of worms that will be difficult to close properly. (Grandma isn't in the best of mental healths at the moment, so I can understand that one.) On one hand, getting back to a state of "I can be comfortable around you" would be really nice, considering we are living with each other. On the other hand, while I did say that I didn't want to close the door completely on us, I was thinking that I wouldn't rule out the possibility of whats-to-happen-in-years-to-come. Years to come. I don't like absolutes, because life can always change on you. And I didn't want to cut him out of my life completely, he's a good person who I enjoy spending time with. But we're not on a break. We're broken. And I have spent too much time trying to fix in the past, and I'm done. So now I'm worrying about expectations. I'm really bad at the "let's see what happens and cross that bridge when I get to it" game. I want to know now how someone feels about me, for better or worse. I want to know when someone doesn't like me, when someone does, when someone has real feelings that might be able to go somewhere, when someone is just in my life to be around for a bit. I think too much and wonder too much and daydream too much to not want to know.
I want a mind-reading machine. Just for 10 minutes. I would use for one minute on someone who just saw me walk into the room when they hadn't seen me in a while. That should be enough.
...Well that post didn't end where I thought it would.........
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