Thus ends the string of weekends in CT - for now. Three in a row, and I'll be back in another three. Three isn't so bad, is it? I cannot express how lucky I am to know the people I do. People who are supportive in every way imaginable, and truly care for me for no other reason than I am who I am. It does, however, make it very difficult to leave, and you sometimes end up saying goodbye about two or three times.
Bottom line, though, this weekend was wonderful. It was full of rain, which was not, but it was also full of good people and hugs and laughs and Star Wars Epic Duels, and every day had a story. Like the live music playing at dinner, starting off with Stairway to Heaven, ending with The Lion King, with a Fiddler on the Roof medley in between. (So happy I'm not kidding.) And like the awkward condom purchase. (Is there a way to purchase without the awkward?) The talk of a possible hookup turned me to thinking that since I am single lady who greatly enjoys physical contact in all manners of speaking, I would be remiss in leaving all contraceptive responsibility on another person. Whether this hook up happens or not, I think, it seems like the smart and safe idea. So now I have condoms, and lube made with aloe that foams like soap when it comes out, and no real idea when they might get used. And I'm pretty OK with that. I've done the rampant hookup thing before, and I am SO over that. I have found over time that I have become shamelessly monogomous, even in my hookups. If there is someone who I am doing anything with, I will only do anything with that person. If there later becomes a "someone else," I switch completely over. I would never expect the same thing in reciprication, it's my quirk and I don't feel it's one that's necessary to share, it's just a trait that I have developed that lets me be comfortable doing what I want to do. I stick to one person really for my own emotional wellbeing. I don't make emotional ties very easily, for lots of reasons that don't need to be explained right now, and so I think that this helps to keep me grounded and double-check to make sure that I don't hurt anyone else in the process.
I'm not sure why I feel the need to explain this. There's a lot going on in my head right now and so I find myself over-thinking and over-analyzing. It doesn't help that X has decided all of a sudden he wants to be my best friend and hang out with me, and called me sweetie last night, and talked about how he told his mom we were "on a break," but didn't tell his grandmother because that's just a can of worms that will be difficult to close properly. (Grandma isn't in the best of mental healths at the moment, so I can understand that one.) On one hand, getting back to a state of "I can be comfortable around you" would be really nice, considering we are living with each other. On the other hand, while I did say that I didn't want to close the door completely on us, I was thinking that I wouldn't rule out the possibility of whats-to-happen-in-years-to-come. Years to come. I don't like absolutes, because life can always change on you. And I didn't want to cut him out of my life completely, he's a good person who I enjoy spending time with. But we're not on a break. We're broken. And I have spent too much time trying to fix in the past, and I'm done. So now I'm worrying about expectations. I'm really bad at the "let's see what happens and cross that bridge when I get to it" game. I want to know now how someone feels about me, for better or worse. I want to know when someone doesn't like me, when someone does, when someone has real feelings that might be able to go somewhere, when someone is just in my life to be around for a bit. I think too much and wonder too much and daydream too much to not want to know.
I want a mind-reading machine. Just for 10 minutes. I would use for one minute on someone who just saw me walk into the room when they hadn't seen me in a while. That should be enough.
...Well that post didn't end where I thought it would.........
Monday, September 29, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Oops.
So I almost did something incredibly dumb yesterday. I'm replying to guys post on Craigslist's strictly platonic section, since he's looking for a partner to go to swing parties with. Swing parties. Not, as my short email summarizing dance experience assumed, swing DANCE parties. After a brief Google search and an email to a friend, who is probably still laughing at me, I promptly deleted the draft. Wow. It was just a completely preternatural moment born out of pure and simple naivete on my part.
In other news I gave back X's leather handcuffs.
So that's exciting.
I sometimes wonder about my life....
In other news I gave back X's leather handcuffs.
So that's exciting.
I sometimes wonder about my life....
Monday, September 22, 2008
A weekend at Wes - chapter two.
An extremely long week will be followed by another, but at least in the middle there was laughter. And friends. And unexpected surprises. And so much relaxing.
This weekend was the perfect answer to the "my relationship just died" blues. (Because even if you're the initiator, it still sucks hard.) I laughed so hard I almost cried, slept in unexpected places, including a balcony, and watched a movie with fight scenes so awesome I cheered. And last night I spent the night in Providence with Z & E, because sometimes its just not a good idea to go home yet.
I'd like to say that this week will be better than last. I'd like to think that things are finally beginning to get on the up and up. I also realize that is very naive and things will just generally blow for a while. But in the meantime, there are places I can go where I am loved for nothing but who I am, and boys I can kiss just because its fun and harmles and why not, and hugs just a-waiting for the taking. My birthday last year was not nearly what I'd hoped it would be. This year, next weekend, will be filled with people who care and hiking and breakfast and country fairs. And maybe even more kisses. I can get through the week knowing that.
But until then, there is reggae - Willie Nelson style - on repeat. (Thanks, A.)
This weekend was the perfect answer to the "my relationship just died" blues. (Because even if you're the initiator, it still sucks hard.) I laughed so hard I almost cried, slept in unexpected places, including a balcony, and watched a movie with fight scenes so awesome I cheered. And last night I spent the night in Providence with Z & E, because sometimes its just not a good idea to go home yet.
I'd like to say that this week will be better than last. I'd like to think that things are finally beginning to get on the up and up. I also realize that is very naive and things will just generally blow for a while. But in the meantime, there are places I can go where I am loved for nothing but who I am, and boys I can kiss just because its fun and harmles and why not, and hugs just a-waiting for the taking. My birthday last year was not nearly what I'd hoped it would be. This year, next weekend, will be filled with people who care and hiking and breakfast and country fairs. And maybe even more kisses. I can get through the week knowing that.
But until then, there is reggae - Willie Nelson style - on repeat. (Thanks, A.)
Sunday, September 14, 2008
A weekend at Wes - chapter one.
I say "chapter one" because there are going to be two more - this month, in a row. Then back for pledging/homecoming in October, and again for Rocky Horror in December. But for now it is September, and we are in that interim space between finishing one chapter and not quite started the next.
I went down to CT this weekend to help my parents set up for their tag sale which will be next weekend. They needed bookshelves moved and tents set up and things of that sort. This takes us to Saturday afternoon, a lovely day spent watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy and the occasional walk around campus when I got too restless. Dinner with friends, hangout with friends in the Grotto, the watching of a silly movie, and time for bed - at a time way too late considering I was awake before 8:00AM. But off and on dozing until about 10:30AM made the day bearable and made sure I was not poor company for J on the ride back to Somerville. So here I am, not entirely comfortable that my parents are moving down to Florida, definitely uncomfortable with some things that I need to take care before I back down to Wes for Chapter Two, but surprisingly happy and confident with a feeling that I am loved by my friends and that things will be alright even if not exactly according to plan. I am looking forward to this weekend, when I may actually get a chance to wear the one piece of lingerie that I own as Eclectic will be throwing their annual Sex Party. I am looking forward to the weekend after that for the Durham Fair and a possible strip club excursion for my birthday. I am uncomfortable, and happy, with just the slightest twinge of uncomfortable with some of the happy. Now I just need to endure the week.
Happy Monday everyone.
I went down to CT this weekend to help my parents set up for their tag sale which will be next weekend. They needed bookshelves moved and tents set up and things of that sort. This takes us to Saturday afternoon, a lovely day spent watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy and the occasional walk around campus when I got too restless. Dinner with friends, hangout with friends in the Grotto, the watching of a silly movie, and time for bed - at a time way too late considering I was awake before 8:00AM. But off and on dozing until about 10:30AM made the day bearable and made sure I was not poor company for J on the ride back to Somerville. So here I am, not entirely comfortable that my parents are moving down to Florida, definitely uncomfortable with some things that I need to take care before I back down to Wes for Chapter Two, but surprisingly happy and confident with a feeling that I am loved by my friends and that things will be alright even if not exactly according to plan. I am looking forward to this weekend, when I may actually get a chance to wear the one piece of lingerie that I own as Eclectic will be throwing their annual Sex Party. I am looking forward to the weekend after that for the Durham Fair and a possible strip club excursion for my birthday. I am uncomfortable, and happy, with just the slightest twinge of uncomfortable with some of the happy. Now I just need to endure the week.
Happy Monday everyone.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
A chilly and blustery day.
OK - maybe not so blustery. But chilly? Yes'm.
I awoke this morning downright cold. It was a little before 7:00AM, and the quilt had disappeared to some unspoken place sometime in the night, leaving my bare back exposed to the chill. As I went in search of cover, grinning like a madman, it occurred to me that perhaps Fall is really here to stay - at least for a little while. It is New England after all. And Fall is my own of my very favorite bits about New England. I sit here, typing on the computer, dressed in socks, athlete shorts, and a techwick top (my "shiny shirt," as E calls it), sipping a cup of tea in a stoneware mug with the wind and the chill making noise outside. Tonight, I shall snuggle in bed with a book, and perhaps even dare underneath the comforter - rather than just sleeping on top of it as the weather has necessitated recently. Perhaps I will even light the candlestick near my bed and the hurricane lamp on the dresser for a lovely romantic evening alone with my words and some camomile. It is a good night for reading, it is a good night for dreaming, and if karma will allow it will be the set up for a good day tomorrow.
I awoke this morning downright cold. It was a little before 7:00AM, and the quilt had disappeared to some unspoken place sometime in the night, leaving my bare back exposed to the chill. As I went in search of cover, grinning like a madman, it occurred to me that perhaps Fall is really here to stay - at least for a little while. It is New England after all. And Fall is my own of my very favorite bits about New England. I sit here, typing on the computer, dressed in socks, athlete shorts, and a techwick top (my "shiny shirt," as E calls it), sipping a cup of tea in a stoneware mug with the wind and the chill making noise outside. Tonight, I shall snuggle in bed with a book, and perhaps even dare underneath the comforter - rather than just sleeping on top of it as the weather has necessitated recently. Perhaps I will even light the candlestick near my bed and the hurricane lamp on the dresser for a lovely romantic evening alone with my words and some camomile. It is a good night for reading, it is a good night for dreaming, and if karma will allow it will be the set up for a good day tomorrow.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Thoreau v. Chaucer.
Yesterday was a wonderful day. I started the morning with a discussion with the roomies about whether or not the Flash has good sex or disasterous sex based on the fact that he can vibrate on a sub-atomic level. A very deep conversation.... and yes, that is what she said.
In the afternoon I went to Walden Pond. I've been meaning to go for about a year now, and have just never made the trip for one reason or another. And since I didn't have quite enough in my wallet for the $5 parking fee, I went into downtown Concord - a quintessential New England downtown area with antique shops and small restaurants and a very confusing Bank of America ATM. While walking around, I found one such shop with a name I could not resist - Thoreauly Antiques. Yes, they did. No, I do not completely know why. But no matter how incredibly proud this pun would make a certain someone I know down in CT, and therefore a measure of bad the name actually is, it will always have a wonderful small space in my heart. For in this tiny little shop, I found a copy of the Works of Chaucer, dated to about 1894. For $5. And it's all mine. So while the morning comics discussion was pretty awesome, and the walk around the Pond was very calming and gave wonderful time to reflect, the book is the reason I stayed up way too late last night and probably will do again tonight.
(hehee....)
In the afternoon I went to Walden Pond. I've been meaning to go for about a year now, and have just never made the trip for one reason or another. And since I didn't have quite enough in my wallet for the $5 parking fee, I went into downtown Concord - a quintessential New England downtown area with antique shops and small restaurants and a very confusing Bank of America ATM. While walking around, I found one such shop with a name I could not resist - Thoreauly Antiques. Yes, they did. No, I do not completely know why. But no matter how incredibly proud this pun would make a certain someone I know down in CT, and therefore a measure of bad the name actually is, it will always have a wonderful small space in my heart. For in this tiny little shop, I found a copy of the Works of Chaucer, dated to about 1894. For $5. And it's all mine. So while the morning comics discussion was pretty awesome, and the walk around the Pond was very calming and gave wonderful time to reflect, the book is the reason I stayed up way too late last night and probably will do again tonight.
(hehee....)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)